I’m [not] Gonna Write You a Love Sawng

I remember being in middle school and listening to a lot of super angsty, pseudo-emotional, and “look who I listen to!  I’m so edgy!” music.  I would get home from school clad in plaid and other really attractive pieces of late nineties grunge apparel to quickly hop on the family Compaq to write about my woes via LiveJournal.  Kittie, Limp Bizkit, Coal Chamber - I know you're concerned. I tried to remember my log-in, honestly, I did. Omgosh.  I remembered and GREAT SUCCESS!  (20 minutes later, after rereading entries almost a decade old?!  wow.)

i downloaded tetris onto my cell phone and it makes me really happy even tho im really bad with spacial relationships.

My sixteen year-old self says you’re welcome.  or “ur welcome”, more likely.  The things I would say to sixteen year-old Caitlin.

Back to my point – I knew I was supposed to be feeling SOMETHING.  I blame this on a lot of emotional friends, reading other LiveJournals, and a lot of Seventeen magazine.  (Un?)Fortunately, I honestly didn’t really know what I was supposed to feel or why.  So I kept this act up for a while.

Fast forward to 10th Grade – Boyfriend.  We’re in love, we’re in love, and we don’t care who knows it!  It’s beautiful and all that crap.  Oh wait, broke up.  Just kidding: we belong together.  No, for serious this time.  Gotta go, bye.

Lalala – intermission.

Fast Forward to Sophomore year of YCP – Boyfriend.  We’re into each other.  Friendship turns to dating.  It’s beautiful and all that crap.  Oh wait, broke up.  Just kidding, that was a rash decision.  No but seriously, you’re a drag.  Nah, that other girl was lame.  We should be together.  We’re a power couple (ok, but seriously, though).  Graduation comes, and we got this.  First job gets here, and he cracks under pressure or whatever it was.  We weren’t right.  Weird, right?  Right.  Enter the emotion I’ve been trying to figure out for a decade.  It all came together that summer.  I’ve spent most of my impressionable years trying to fit a mold, play a part.

Teaching how to predict patterns and create function rules to my students this week is a little 10,000 spoons when all I need is a knife for me.  If that wasn’t an indication of how I need to grow (not through emotional eating, though, please), I don’t know what was.

So what did I do?  Turn to how awesome I was, naturally.  Stop ditching my amazing friends and build relationships with other people.  What are these emotions just taking me over?!  Is this heartache and sorrow lost in a song?!  I did things, went places, hung out with new people because I wanted to.  I cut off the ol’ ball and chain (ok, fine.  I was cut.  Either way) and was free.

I started teaching at the end of that summer and I honestly felt new.  I found that feeling.  Hey, sixteen year-old self, your self pity wasn’t and never will be cute.  Sorry!  And ditch the KoRn t-shirt.  Wasn’t and never will be cute.

Don't I look edgy?!Flash forward to now!  T & I rekindled our relationship from 6+ years ago, over a year ago now.  We always had that je-ne-sais-qua, if you will.  It was cool.  We hung out, wanted to see how things would go, I guess that’s what grown ups call dating?  And they obviously went well because we’re both the shit.  So.  Tiffon lived in NJ & I in PA.  The long distance thing was cool because that meant every time we saw each other it was an awesome mini weekend date.  It sucked because we missed each other.  The stars aligned this past winter when he decided to move in with me (and my three roommates)!  It seriously is the best situation that could have happened.  We are seriously the best.  Like, what’s a healthy dating relationship?  OH, I KNOW!  Love, loooove, luuurveeee lovie dovie beebopboo!  :)

Moral of the story can be summed up in the following bullet points:

  • I’m way more awesome now than ever before.
  • Doing things because I want to do them has made me super impulsive (read: poor but happy!)
  • Finding friends who love you beyond your unhealthy lifestyle, heinous wardrobe, and Katy Perry relationship woes are those worth keeping – and doing the same for
  • Ditch your “friends” who let you listen to/play Limp Bizkit all day every day.  Why didn’t anyone love me?!
  • Credit cards are BNB.. unless the world really is going to end in 2012.  In which case, joke’s on you, Capital One!
  • Those cliché, lame-o quotes about living life for you and only you are so true.
  • Livejournal is whack
  • You’re really cool.

Remote from Hell*Seriously?  What the hell is this?!*

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